Before kids, you imagined parenthood as a montage of giggles, bedtime stories, and maybe some occasional spilled milk (literally and figuratively). You probably thought you'd be calm, patient, and slightly cooler than your own parents. Then reality hit—and now you find yourself saying things like:
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“Please stop licking your brother.”
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“That’s not a toy, that’s mommy’s stress ball.”
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“Yes, sweetie, I see your dance. It’s beautiful. The tenth time, too.”
Welcome to the Parenthood Phrasebook, the ever-expanding verbal gymnastics that come with raising small humans. If you've caught yourself saying things you swore only other parents said—you're in good company.
Let’s explore some of the hilarious, baffling, and oh-so-relatable things parents say now, along with tips, tricks, and gear (like the ComfyCub Plush Seatbelt Pad and DinoCushion Kids Travel Head Pillow) that can make the chaos a tiny bit comfier.
1. “Why is there yogurt on the dog?”
It’s not a question. It’s a vibe. You’ve accepted that your home is basically a science experiment involving snacks, mystery stains, and somehow always… the dog.
Kids see pets as their partners in crime and unwitting snack trays. So the next time you see Fido sporting a blueberry mustache, just know: you’re not alone.
Pro Tip: Keep wipes in every room. And maybe invest in dog shampoo by the gallon.
2. “Please use your words—not your feet.”
Toddlers love communicating via interpretive dance, foot stomping, and floor flailing. And while this might work in the wild, it doesn’t help you figure out whether they want juice or a second waffle.
Cue: the parenting pep talk about feelings and big emotions… while your kid tries to headbutt the air.
Quick Win: Turn long car rides into calming time-outs (in a good way) by keeping them cozy with the DinoCushion Travel Head Support Pillow. A comfy toddler = a less flail-y toddler.
3. “Yes, I’m watching your cartwheel… again.”
You’ve now clapped for the same cartwheel approximately 4,379 times. But to your child? This cartwheel is THE cartwheel. And it must be witnessed. With enthusiasm.
Even if you're halfway through replying to a work email or trying to remember if you left the oven on, you pause, smile, and deliver a standing ovation. Because that’s what parenting legends do.
Hack: Narrate your child’s “performance” like a sportscaster. It keeps things fun for both of you. (“AND SHE STICKS THE LANDING! GOLD MEDAL FOR TEAM JAMMIES!”)
4. “Shoes. On. Now.”
Say it with us, slowly and clearly: SHOES. ON. NOW.
You’ll repeat it like a broken robot every weekday morning from now until they graduate high school. Maybe even beyond.
Because somehow, despite a perfectly timed morning routine, you always end up with a child missing socks, one shoe, or the motivation to move.
Parent Pro-Tip: Keep your sanity—and backseat battles—at bay with the ComfyCub Plush Seatbelt Pad. When they're comfy in the car, you get five more minutes of peace.
5. “We don’t lick the shopping cart.”
Let’s face it: kids have one mission in public spaces—touch everything and then put hands, tongues, or entire faces on surfaces you didn’t even know existed.
You will say this. You have said this. And you’ll say it again.
Probably in Target. Probably while pushing a cart full of impulse snacks and parenting regrets.
Pro Tip: Carry sanitizer. And repeat: “At least they’re building their immune system.”
Final Thoughts: If You're Saying It, You're Not Alone
Parenthood is weird, wonderful, and often laugh-out-loud absurd. The phrases you never imagined saying are proof that you’re doing this wild, beautiful job—one yogurt-smeared moment at a time.
So the next time you catch yourself saying, “No, we don’t draw on the baby,” just smile. You’re in the club. And trust us, it’s the best (and funniest) club there is.